that it is. 2 things I am grateful for today....
a peaceful sleeping baby this morning....
and a beautiful HUGE sunflower outside our house. I planted 6 seeds and this is the only one who made it (feels like a lot of life is like that) but sunflowers are just Happy and this picture brings me Joy.
Happy Monday!
....I will miss these days of having small watoto. That is what "people" tell me. Days of constant noise and activity. Of being needed every second. Of being so involved in every aspect of my children's days.
That day is not today.
I knew the day was not going to be fabulous right about the time I pulled a worm out of Anni's butt this morning. For sure an over share but I and this blog are committed to reality and that is about as real as it gets from our house today.
We were already behind when the day started. I am recovering from a breast infection (self diagnosed mastitis but I had one early on with Evy so I knew the symptoms and it is pretty wicked). J searched out some meds and I am feeling better but still exhausted from a couple nights of not sleeping because of the pain. Last night when Evy woke up for the third time screaming at 3:30am we let her cry for almost an hour (she did not need to nurse since she just had eaten an hour before and we are trying to get her to sleep through the night so want to avoid giving in to her attempted totalitarian regime). She still will not take a paci ever and gives me this "what are you thinking shoving that plastic thing in my mouth woman?" look every time I try...sigh... so she cries some nights. After she finally whimpered her way to sleep and as soon as we had fallen back asleep we were awaken by Annikah standing crying next to our bed. She had pooped everywhere. Her PJ's were covered, her bed, everything and it reeked of death. After cleaning up everything in our half-comatose state we gave her a bath and got her settled back in her room. Collapsed back in bed. 10 minutes later Evy wakes up and starts making noise. At this point I figured there was no hope and "took one for the team" and got up, took Evy out of the room and started breakfast. There is just something wrong about eating breakfast at 6am on a Sunday. Anni said her tummy was hurting again and after some examination of her stomach and bottom I thought maybe she had a rash so I got some diaper rash cream and as I was about to apply it I saw a white thing sticking out! I pulled out a worm! My nasty things I have done-meter is going up for sure living here and worms are common for kids (especially ones that think they are an African and thus do all things her friends do). Gross but not a huge deal as we have done the de-worming you kid thing before. Jason was up at this point and after eating a quick breakfast we sent him out to find a deworming med we knew worked well. Good thing we had eaten and cleaned up by 8am because that is when we got our first guest. I was not in the mood but tried my best to be a good host. They did not stay long and Jason arrived back with meds. After we tried to do family church but J and I ended up in an argument I cannot even remember what about now. After that with Annikah happily watching a movie and Evy asleep we thought that maybe we could have an adult conversation but Evy awoke and immediately started screaming from the other room (she has started this new shrieking thing which absolutely grates and sounds as though she is being stabbed with needles. This started the same time her 2 bottom teeth made their appearance last week). Anni also sensed I needed to be pushed over the edge and took every opportunity today to irritate and pester her already crabby sister and just for kicks to whine about everything.
It was too much. I wanted to run far far away. I just needed an hour with no one calling out a desperate "mama" or screaming or crying. With no one pooping, peeing, spitting up, needing to eat, or having a tragedy that required my attention. With no one clawing, biting, pinching, sucking on, or grabbing at me. I was spent and it was only 9:30am. In Mama World that is no good.
I wish I could say I dealt with this all by turning every negative into an opportunity to show love. I did not. I was pretty much not feeling the parenting with love thing today and mostly just tried to survive until bedtimes. It showed. I was reminded of my funky attitude when Anni asked "Mama, why you talk in a nasty voice?" Gulp. It was like I saw my gross attitude spewing out all over my family in slow motion but was powerless against it. I am not trying to get out of my responsibility. I take full ownership of my ICK and it's affects on everyone around me but I really just was down today and unable to shake it off, pray through it, or power through. I totally let my attitude and my response to everything become reactive. My love for the people in my life does not depend on them doing everything I want them to do. That is not love at all. Sigh. Failure was epic for me today. And not "feel sorry for me" cuz I am overwhelmed failure. But like I want to learn and grow and not allow my circumstances to dictate my attitude and behavior. Thank you Jesus you do not love the way I did today.
On days like this I think back to my stereotypical notions of notions of baking fresh bread with hand washed laundry drying on the line while playing educational games with perfectly adjusted and respectful kids. Then I laugh (or cry) depending on my disposition at the moment. Today it was the latter. Today I just want 10 minutes (ok, really like a morning) to myself. I want to read or workout uninterrupted. Heck, I just want to pee without someone whining or needing something! I just want to live a bit closer (like less than half way across the whole world) from family that could be called in as reinforcements on days my crazed-Mama meter is blinking red. Jason offers to help and take the kids when he can and lets me have some "time" but really talking and thinking through it that is not really what it is. I realized tonight as I was reflecting that even time "away" is not really time AWAY from everything. I still need to prepare, instruct, and orchestrate everything that may occur while I am away. I still think about them all the time, I still am constantly aware of the time and the schedule (or supposed schedule) they are on, anticipating what needs there are, what disasters are lurking, heck, even my boobs are a constant reminder I am needed. All the time. God designed it this way and for me I have chosen to be in this role and I try really hard to live in the moment, be immersed in this role, in this space, in this now. But geesh, I just am tired. I think it hit me just how tired this morning when I had the vivid reminder that I am basically responsible for someone else's butt. Not pretty.
Someone remind me in 10 or 20 years that I once was wishing to not be needed. For now I will pray and be thankful for the resources, support, encouragement, ability, and Grace I have to be a Mama. I think I will also cry a bit more, suck it up, put on my best Super-Mama cape and continue to do my Mama gig (lets hope no more wormy butts are involved!)
"Mama, this pwick-sure (picture) is me, Papa, and you when you had Evy Imani in your tummy and you throwed up everyday"
Thanks Anni. I'm glad we are past that too:)
I also love that Papa is the only one wearing clothes and they are pink and purple because; and I quote, "we were hot but Papa likes those colors"
here is a glimpse in pics of our 4th Birthday girl's shrehe yesterday....
making our princess crowns...
everyone gets their fairy skirts on (what they arrived would just not do for this swanky party)
all the fairy princesses...even the littlest one was jazzed up
the tea party begins...
Anni's face when Papa was praying for her...so sweet
yummy...fairy juice (which makes me giggle when you think that it could imply it is made out of actual fairies...but I assure you no fairies were harmed in the making of this Kool-Aid
the littlest fairy princess knew what she wanted...and she was determined
got it!!
all the girls got fairy princess face paint and "henna" (don't you love that anything can become "princess fairy______" with the right intonation? For example we had "princess fairy tattoos, princess fairy cupcakes, princess fairy juice..." we were serious about our theme y'all!
reading the 12 Dancing Princesses- African version- thanx Auntie Jorie!
after the story the princesses had to help me search for the missing shoes...(J hid around our house) They did a great job helping the queen recover the shoes and then traded the completed pairs for their goodie bags!
Anni had lots of help opening her presents
I LOVE this face..."what the heck...you got me medicine?" No worries, it was just the box...cute earrings inside
Anni and Lusi show off their "henna" and light up ring (thanks Bibi)
Lusi's mama made these 2 dresses for Annikah..I adore them!
Evy was pretty darn cute in her skirt..
After it was all over I asked Annikah what her favorite part was and she said without hesitation that she loved searching for the shoes with everyone and me acting like a "silly queen." How funny that out of all cakes, candy, gifts, face paint, etc that her favorite part was me acting like a frazzled queen who had lost 12 shoes. pretty sweet though.
Thanks everyone who came and everyone who sent Bday wishes & goodies!
The African Fairy Princess Party (that was pink) was a blast.
Yesterday's party almost never happened. Anni came home from school saying she was sick and her tummy hurt. Major bummer on the day of her big party. I knew she was really not feeling well when she headed straight to bed and fell right asleep. So after assuring her we could do her party another day I called the parents of the girls that were planning on coming and cancelled. It was weird that she was so suddenly not feeling well since I taught at Anni's school as usual yesterday morning and she danced and had a blast like she was fine. I though maybe she ate something un-safi and her tummy was not having it. No party. Major bummer. But after a couple hours she woke up and said she was fine and "Jesus make me better" and that she REALLY REALLY wanted to have her shindig. So we called everyone and after about 10 minutes we were back on. A bit last minute which required some frosting as fast as lightening and recruiting some watermelon cutters but hey we made it work. So 7 little girls celebrated in style last night Miss Anni's 4th Birthday!
I managed to take about 3 pictures of the whole thing but luckily a friend captured the event on her camera (thanks Doro!) and as soon as I get them uploaded I will post them for the Bibi-types out there :) For now, here are the invitations Anni made for each family (pretty cute if you ask me! Anni said they are "myself being 4 with a dress and curly hair")
Lusi and Anni also made napkin holder rings out of toilet paper tubes and extra fabric from the curtains in Anni's room (she was hilarious when she saw me cutting it she exclaimed "Mama, are those my curtains? I like them in my room please do not cut them up!!").
Of course these were needed for the tea party.
Glitter is still covering the floor from the swooshing of fairy skirts, new gifts are being played with as I type, and the wadudus had a blast last night with all the crumbs. Sure signs of a smashing shrehe (party)!
*Pole for Anni as she is still a bit sick. After some mid night crying and fever we tested for and ruled out malaria and this morning she seems to be feeling better. We are watching her closely and she does not seem to mind at all as she is playing with all her new Bday presents. She is in the living room right now coloring a princess castle! She also mentioned AGAIN today "mama, I do not think my legs are 4 yet" :)
Annikah woke up this morning, got dressed as usual, and sat down to eat at the table.
The next few minutes went something like this:
Anni: "Mama, I do not think I am really 4."
Me: "Why do you say that?"
Anni: "Because I woke up again and STILL my legs do not touch the floor!"
She said it with obvious disappointment that her legs had not grown 2 feet in length overnight. I assured her that many 4 years old's legs still do not reach the floor and that luckily that was not a qualification or prerequisite for being 4. Where does she get this stuff?
In other birthday news...
Last night at shule we had the second of what we are calling a week of "Anni's Bday festivities." I made cupcakes for all the watoto at shule and after we finished our lesson I brought them out as a surprise much to every one's delight. And I kid you not about 10 more watoto showed up out of nowhere! How in the heck they know that Mama Anni baked keki is beyond me but after some careful cutting everyone got a little piece. I gave each one of them foil to take their cakes home since some of them are fasting and I said we would show respect for those that could not eat and take our cakes home but they all insisted that Anni cut her cake and feed someone before they left. It is like it is not an official birthday until you do this. Of course Anni picked Lusi and everyone sang and cheered them on and then ran home with sugary cake wrapped in foil just in time for sunset and the breaking of the fast meal. Fun day at shule! 2 celebrations down...African Fairy Princess Party this afternoon! Alas, more baking and less blogging for me!
You are 4 today (or actually tomorrow at 2:36 am African time- a fact that only your Papa could be counted on to figure out). You woke up this morning and as usual got dressed by yourself and even accessorized with a snazzy headband that you dug up from somewhere. I made you pancakes for your "birthday princess treat" and you happily ate 3 in your crazy way of cutting them up and them placing each piece carefully around the edges of your plate and then pouring syrup in the middle to dip them. You said "Thank you mama for making these yummy pancakes" at least twice while I sat and nursed your sister. Then off you went to school, backpack and sparkly pink shoes on (you even make your boring uniform special). Today is your 4th birthday little girl.
I am not sure when it happened but you are for sure more big kid than baby. I love that so much and part of me wants to cry for a long while that you are growing up so fast. I still remember feeling you kick in utero and day dreaming about what you would look like, who you would become, and what your little voice would sound like. I remember being terrified about being a Mama. That I would not know what to do in any number of scary sounding scenarios. That I would fail. And what I found out is I have, many times, but the awesome news is that God is good and He is molding and making and growing our family every step of the way. The day you were born was the scariest and most thrilling of my life. You changed everything. I thought I was prepared but I was no where near "ready." But that is the beauty of family. We are pretty much a mess but we are each other's mess and we figure stuff out together. The minute you were born I was completely overcome with love for you. It was immediate, intense, and disarming. The kind of love that just takes over and puts in perspective everything that came before. Papa and I are so blessed that God entrusted you to us. It is an amazing thing to see you grow and change and become yourself.
You become more and more Annikah everyday. You make us laugh with your hilarious quotes and you make us cry sometimes with your stubbornness (wonder where you get that?:). You are intense in everything you do which I can see God using in your life. You are often shy at first but after about 10 minutes of trying something new you take it on with gusto. You love your cabbage patch baby named "Blueberry" and take her everywhere. You have strong opinions and a zest for life and are never content to sit on the sidelines. You are learning to show love and compassion to those around you which is amazing to see. You are thoughtful and kind and respond because you see that all kids do not have what you have. Your best friend in the world right now is Lusi and you play all day together mostly in your make believe world. You love cucumbers and beans and all things candy or cookie. You see the world through trust and faith and I love that. It restores my faith on days I am hurting or stretching to see. You love pink and all things girly including but not limited too; sparkly nail polish, shiny lip gloss, tutu's, fancy shoes, and dress up jewelry. You love to dress like Evy and show off your sister to everyone. Your favorite books to read are Bernstein Bear books and they are best enjoyed snuggling with Papa before bed. You are a great big sister (when you are not pelting the kid for ripping your book:) and helper to Mama. You do love to please and to be noticed. You love to sing songs that you learn in school or ones that you make up and then pretend you learned in school :) and you are a pretty awesome dancer. You can write all your letters and numbers and love to read books and do crafts with friends. Your Kiswahili is awesome and still shocks me some days when I hear you talking to someone. I am amazed at your ability to thrive in this life that our family has chosen. You are a strong, sassy, brilliant, funny, and loving girl.
I gave birth to you four years ago and it has been and will continue to be one of the most worthwhile and difficult adventures in my life to be your mother. You have taught me so much about myself. How to love, how to forgive, how to be more vulnerable, how to laugh, how to be so proud you think you might explode, how to deal with my own past pain, how to be (a tad) less selfish, how to live in the moment more, and why to be called "children of God" is such a privilege. Thank you for being patience with me as your Mama. Thanks for understanding that God is still working on me too. I cannot wait to see where this life takes you and I am always praying that you will forever know how deep and how wide is His love for you. That our love will help you gain confidence to find your way and be your own unique and beautiful self. Always. I am cheering you on Anni! We love you so much Miss Annikah Joy and hongera kwa siku ya kuzaliwa yako! Happy Birthday my baby girl.
Yep. They are indeed. Well, at least a few of them and some new ones as well. Our team leader and his family arrived safely and with lots of luggage in tow this week. It was great to see them and size up how big the kids had gotten in their months back in Germany. They are adjusting back to life here and the kids are thrilled to be back to days of running around outside. We were also treated to some special zawadis they brought back including some Gouda cheese and dried sausage which we happily ate for dinner last night. Anni is excited to have some wazungus kids to hang with again and noted that "Mama, the wazungus are back." Another family arrived this week too! They were living in Kenya and now headed not to from from here but they stopped on our little island first to study Kiswahili for a couple months. They are Americans and even brought us a big bag full of Doritoes.....so they won our hearts!! They have 3 girls and I see lots of princess dress up dates in our future. Our team leader also brought back and installed a zip line in his yard. We had to do the neighborly thing and go check it out Saturday morning. 6 girls on a zip line: Fun times!
hanging out with friends rules!
Each month at Anni's school they pick one day to celebrate any kids that have a Bday during that month. Parents can send treats to school and the teachers have a little party for the watoto. To say Anni was excited about this would be like saying I LIKE Mexican food. In other words, an extreme understatement. It was adorable; she would ask me about the cake plans and remind me that I was supposed to pack a pretty dress in her backpack for her to change into at least once a day for the past week. She would also tell us over and over that she was going to pick Iftiham to help her since she was her "really good friend" and I guess you get to pick one friend to help you with your cake festivities. Friday was the day (although I only found that out on Thursday) but I could not let Miss Anni down. I donned my apron and we baked and baked until we had tons of pink cupcakes. Anni mostly licked the beaters but still a valiant effort on her part.
I dropped her off at school on Friday with candy for everyone, pink frosted cupcakes, and a special "really fancy dress" selected by Miss Anni along with a bling headband. That day she was up super early with backpack on (before she even ate breakfast) and on the car ride there she said "Mama, I hope we are not late and it is already meal time." It reminded me of those days when you were little were you would lose sleep or wake extra early so excited about a special day, a field trip, or a party at school. My big girl had a birthday celebration at school and it was well anticipated! I resisted my urge to stay to see every minute of the celebration (and it helped that I was wicked busy that day and no other parents usually come and I try hard to not be so "wazungu" all the time) and left my camera with a teacher in my stead. When Anni got home she had a handmade crown and some balloons from her teacher and told us the tales of "Birthday Day" at school. Pretty rock on in Miss Annikah's book! 
Anni & the other Bday boy get ready to cut the cakes (which looked a lot better pre-heat that morning)...gotta love the Bday candle, right?
Anni & Ifti feeding each other
Almost 4...just a matter of days now...
